I’m driving, I’m driving, I’m driving to the airport. My travels normally begin at the long-term parking lot however, operated just a few blocks from the airport. I’m driving, I’m driving. Found a spot close to the front. I greet my shuttle driver. Roger is a nice guy. We’re driving, we’re driving. We cover sports, politics and weather all in less than the two minutes it takes to drive me to the departure terminal. Roger wishes me a nice flight.
“You too.” Doh! I hate when I do that. I’m walking, I’m walking. Kiosk check-in is uneventful. The ticket agent tags my bags.
“Have a nice flight.”
“You too.” Doh! On to the departure gate. Oh look, there’s a bald guy with a raspberry thingy that reminds me of Gorbachev. I’m walking, I’m walking. I get the feeling that airport security is following me. I get paranoid for no reason. I’m walking briskly, I’m walking briskly. There’s a bathroom! I enter and realize it’s the “families only” bathroom. Wow! Everything is bigger in here and it’s private. Man, I gotta come here more often. Door ajar, coast is clear and I spy the maze-like entrance to security. I’m running, I’m running. Now I’m in line with the masses. We’re crawling, we’re crawling. Approach the metal detector. I’m undressing, I’m undressing. Metal detector goes off. I make a mental note to have that metal plate in my head removed some day. I’m dressing, I’m dressing. Look at my watch and realize I’m way early for the flight. I’m casually meandering at a glacial pace, I’m casually meandering at a glacial pace. Bookstore.
“Excuse me sir, do you have “The Zookeeper’s Wife?” He’s staring, he’s staring.
”LOOK , I BROKE THAT OFF MONTHS AGO!”
“No, no….it’s a novel by Diane Ackerman.
“Oh…..of course. That’s what I thought you meant.”
Read the cover, buy the book and off to the gate. I’m sitting and waiting, I’m sitting and waiting. They begin boarding starting with the elderly and families with small children. I follow closely behind a young mother and her infant son trying to appear as small and toddler-like as possible. The gate agent gets suspicious when I ask her if they have Jack Daniels on board the flight. Busted. Nuts! I’m waiting, I’m waiting. I’m finally on the plane. I’m flying, I’m flying, I’m flying to yet another airport.
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